God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December. –J.M. Barrie Monday, Dec 4 2006 

jobs and life and men and quotes Ni 11:23 am

December. December? December. Already.

I am not at all the person I was last December. I was a college senior, happy with my classes for the first time in a long time. Drawing self-esteem from a secret lie which involved someone else (how I wish I could forget that whole episode). Working a couple jobs which I liked, and where they liked me. I had waist-length hair. I was a vegetarian and didn’t touch alcohol. I had a great apartment and a car in perfect condition. I knew where I was.

Not one of those things is true anymore.

Not that this year has been all about loss. After all, I gained a diploma and class ring, got some stamps in my passport, got a grown-up job (sort of) and a new life in crappy old Boston.

I’m already looking back on this and wondering how and why it happened. I’m sure the bewilderment will only grow with time.

Perhaps the most important thing I learned this year was that when I would say “it makes no difference”–I was wrong. It makes a difference where you are, what you do, who you’re with. It always makes a difference.

 

Tuesday, Jul 25 2006 

jobs and life and location and men Ni 12:03 am

I don’t know where to go, or who to love, or what to want from life (if anything).

The past is gone. I should let it be gone.

 

It’s funny how life turns out… Friday, Jul 21 2006 

books and jobs and men Ni 1:11 am

A few weeks back I read a pretty good “chick lit” type novel, Princess Izzy and the E Street Shuffle. What I liked about it was of course all the Springsteen references, plus the twisty-turny plot–I actually didn’t see it coming, for once. And it was interesting how every single character, even the seemingly minor ones, was important later on.

I’m mentioning this now because I had something kind of like that happen today. I don’t remember if I wrote about it here, but last fall I went to have my resume critiqued by an advisor. The guy was really mean about it, to the point where, if I was the kind of girl who cries, I would have been crying. Being myself, I just sat there in stunned silence and with hurt feelings. I don’t know if he felt bad for being harsh, or if the whole thing is part of his strategy (i.e., shatter a girl’s self esteem so she won’t shoot you down–the old Marines tactic), but he then started hitting on me. I was creeped out and never followed up on the resume.

Anyway, I had a job interview with him this morning. (There were 2 other interviewers, so he couldn’t have tried to get to first base.) I think it went okay, all things considered. I definitely got along better with the other 2 interviewers.

It will be interesting to see how this goes, whether or not I even get offered a second round interview. The job is crappy hours and not a lot of money, so I hadn’t been all that serious about considering it anyway, but the thought of working with him 50 hrs/week makes me want to tell them “nevermind” right now.

 

Ugh Saturday, Jul 15 2006 

friends and jobs and men Ni 11:35 pm

Sooo many job applications. At this point, even if a potential employer called, I would have no recollection of the position.

I’m realizing… I don’t want to move. I don’t want to leave Michigan.

As much as I still love Patrick, I’m not going to drag myself to the west coast on the off chance there might be something there someday.

As much as I thought I wanted New York or Boston… it feels disloyal to Detroit, to my tight little group of Russians and Russophiles and Annarborites, with whom I’ve spent these last years and whom I’ve come to love.

And yet I know, I don’t miss my hometown up north anymore, or even like it. There are about 3 people there I even ever want to see again. And so I would probably forget my downstate posse the same way, and the hills and valleys that have become my home here.

But… there could be something here. In the only way that ever really matters. And though it wouldn’t be the mad love I had for a certain horn player, it could be something to build a life on, or around, or however you’re supposed to do it.

 

Where might the future lie? Thursday, Jul 13 2006 

jobs Ni 6:08 pm

If I knew a geographic location, I could be apartment hunting and hall-switching. I might be able to think about maybe dating someone?

But no. The job search takes me in and out of town, to other states, maybe even out of the country (at least temporarily). I don’t know what will work out, or what would be best.

But just my luck, none of them will want to hire me, and I’ll end up back in M-town.

 

Oh, by the way… Friday, Jun 30 2006 

jobs Ni 12:07 am

There’s a glimmer of hope on the job front! Will know more tomorrow.

 

Russia, with love Saturday, Jun 24 2006 

college and jobs and russian Ni 3:31 am

Perhaps I should say a little bit more about meself.

I recently graduated with a BA in Slavic Languages and Literature (Russian concentration).  And there are of course several questions that nip at the heels of that information.

Q: Are you Russian?

A: No. Did someone say you had to go to college to study your own ethnicity? But I have occasionally been told I look Russian.

Q: What made you want to study that?

A: There are a handful of reasons, all of them true, which I give depending on my mood. One is that I had a teacher in high school who was from Ukraine, who got me started learning the alphabet. Another is that I read a National Geographic article on Pushkin from 1992, and began to realize the enormity of the historical context in which I (born in 1983) was living. Another big one is that I read the Brothers Karamazov for the first time when I was 13 (and 10+ times since then, including in the original), and it, much as I hate to write this cliche, changed my life.

Q: Have you been to Russia?

A: Painfully, no. This is the greatest shame of my life. I realize most people ask it only to make polite conversation, and certainly are expecting an affirmative answer, which they can follow with more polite inquiries and maybe a request for vodka. But I haven't been (yet). Main reasons why will have to be detailed later.

Q: What are you going to do with a degree in that?

A: I'll have to get back to you on that one. I always thought I wanted to go the PhD route so I could be the eccentric Russian lit professor who gets all dreamy-eyed talking about Andrei Bolkonsky, but mercilessly fails students for using Cliffs Notes. But I see now that academia isn't quite all it's cracked up to be. I'm attracted to the writing and research and teaching, but not the whole political side to it.

And you can blame the economy, or the decadent modern society with no room for intelligentsia, or just my high-ish standards, but it's damn hard finding a job with "just" a BA, a humanities BA at that. Ideally I'd like something that could afford me opportunities to use the languages I've worked so hard to acquire (Russian, Polish), but as my massive debt looms larger, I will be content with something that pays the bills and doesnt' suck all the life out of me.

So if you're reading this, and you know of anything, I will pay you a finder's fee of… a link on my other, more popular blog (wouldn't you like to know what that is…).