…Of course I wish it wasn’t. Maybe I would have been fine with life being so small. So overwrought. It’s terrible to be alone with no one to help you.
I looked at pictures from when it first began, and we seemed happy. So much thinner. I just don’t understand. Is it that I’ve been where he is, and I want to give him the joyous reunion I always wanted?
life and music 24, aging, birthday, tomorrow 11:03 pm
Hello, I know there’s someone out there who can understand
And who’s feeling the same way as me
I’m twenty-four and I’ve got everything to live for
But I know now that it wasn’t meant to be
‘Cause all has been lost and all has been won
And there’s nothing left for us to save
But now I know that I don’t want to be alone today
So if you find that you’ve been feeling just the same
Call me now it’s alright
It’s just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
‘Cause you can’t hide
So call and I’ll get right back
If your intentions are pure
I’m seeking a friend for the end of the world
I’ve got a photograph I’ll send it off today
And you will see that I am perfectly sane
Not for a lifetime or forever and a day
‘Cause we know now that just won’t be the case
There will be no commitment and no confessions
And no little secrets to keep
No little children or houses with roses just the
End of the world and me
‘Cause all has been gone and all has been done
And there’s nothing left for us to say
But we could be together as they blow it all away
And we can share in every moment as it breaks
Call me now it’s alright
It’s just the end of the world
You need a friend in the world
‘Cause you can’t hide
So call and I’ll get right back
If your intentions are pure
I’m seeking a friend for the end of the world
life and men betrayal, heartbreak 2:03 pm
So, someone I felt so ambivalent about leaving, someone I felt so guilty for not loving more, someone I seriously considered marrying because I figured no one else would ever love me more, that someone betrayed me. He divulged a secret I had never told anyone. To his mother. Who dropped it into conversation on her her biweekly phone call to me (“to make sure” I’m “okay”).
Bastard.
I don’t understand why it has to be this way for me. I try very hard to make positive changes in my life, yet the same problems and unfairnesses-of-the-universe that have haunted me since I was a tiny child continue to haunt me. Damn it all.
friends and life and men 7:07 pm
But he’s just one of the many links.
It’s been many years, many different people.
Just one question.
“G-d damn it, why couldn’t you just love me?”
It’s a simple human want. And yet the most elusive thing. Love without strings attached. To be loved for who you are, rather than who they want you to be.
I can’t go through with this.
It’s just as bad as other times, in certain ways worse.
jobs and life and men and quotes 11:23 am
December. December? December. Already.
I am not at all the person I was last December. I was a college senior, happy with my classes for the first time in a long time. Drawing self-esteem from a secret lie which involved someone else (how I wish I could forget that whole episode). Working a couple jobs which I liked, and where they liked me. I had waist-length hair. I was a vegetarian and didn’t touch alcohol. I had a great apartment and a car in perfect condition. I knew where I was.
Not one of those things is true anymore.
Not that this year has been all about loss. After all, I gained a diploma and class ring, got some stamps in my passport, got a grown-up job (sort of) and a new life in crappy old Boston.
I’m already looking back on this and wondering how and why it happened. I’m sure the bewilderment will only grow with time.
Perhaps the most important thing I learned this year was that when I would say “it makes no difference”–I was wrong. It makes a difference where you are, what you do, who you’re with. It always makes a difference.
